I've had an odd week. After being laid low by a severe bout of tonsilitis, I probably spent too much time in my own head, admittedly in a somewhat fever addled state at times.
Having some time to stop and think about my where I am up to now, what my next steps might be, well to be perfectly honest, it was fucking terrifying. Like staring into an abyss that I have already leapt into, and feeling most unsure about myself. I've had so much wonderful support from friends and even strangers, telling me how great it is that I am following my dream in food. And it is. But for all those people who dream of making life changing decisions, there's a reason so many don't. It's scary to think about doing it and even more so when you actually take the leap.
I've worked pretty hard since MasterChef to make this transition and find the path I want to take with food. But it's one of the steepest I've ever tried to climb and I think it's worth a truthful blog about the experience of the journey in making such a big decision to quit everything and start a new career. Self employment in itself is a tough place to be right now. Add to that working in a highly competitive arena where few actually succeed in the long term, makes for quite a scary place to be. There are moments where I wonder if I have made the right decision.
I know some of this comes from my own self doubt that I have unfortunately been plagued with since childhood. I had a tough father. I can write that here as I know that he would never read anything I had written. He didn't even watch me on MasterChef. So me being riddled with doubt and worried about the future and the pressure this all puts on my family, well it's not exactly helpful to have close family members also think you are making a terrible mistake. The thing is, he thought it was waste of time to study social science, and yet I had a successful career as a researcher. He thought I was crazy to take the children out of school and go travelling for a year. So yes, he could well be wrong. It wouldn't be the first time!
I also cannot lie and say I don't remember how much negativity I received during the airing of the programme. People who think they know me and can define me from watching the output of smoke and mirrors. That backlash rocked my confidence a little too. Only because it's echoes my critics who may be closer to home. I met a troller face to face once. In that moment, it took all the power out of anonymous critics right there. I will leave you to figure out why.
And then there's me, with my fever and head full of doubt, thinking what the fuck have I done. I have worked my backside off for the last few months and for every few steps forward, I take more than the odd one backwards, not least financially. The impact of me quitting a full time grade 8 NHS post is huge. The impact on my family is evident and the pressure it puts on my husband immense. Being skint again after years of middle class comfort is no fun whatsoever I can tell you.
I spend a day in the kitchen, and I remember why I am doing this. That isn't in doubt. But is it enough? I know I have a long steep path ahead. But I also believe that I'm going in the right direction. It's a bit painful right now and I'm going to have to dig deeper than I probably ever have before. For now it's about stamina, with more sweat and tears to come I suspect. I do need to take more time to develop myself as a cook and my future business. So I think I'm just going to have to ride this one out....
